PACT Blog:

Me

I love video games, they are a break.
I love my family, they are as sweet as a milkshake.
I love nature, it never makes mistakes.
I love most things, apart from the ones that keep me awake.
Shared with permission from a young person in Suffolk


They don't care

I wouldn't go to ***** school if you suffer with attachment issues, or mental health issues, etc. they don't care about how you feel physically they only care about their reputation, if you wear the wrong uniform, excluded, shouted at, when your upset they basically tell you to grow up and get over it, with attachment issues they don't know how to deal with them, if you getting too attached to teachers you get banned, and if you show too much that you're getting attached they ban you, they don't care how you feel in the situation, they just care about what they look like as a school, if you have adhd or autism, don't even try tell them they don't care they'll count you as a Troubled kid, even when you tell them you're trying your best they still don't care, even if you acting out because your struggling with your mental health they don't care all they'll do is exclude you, or put you in isolation, and just tell you to get over it really, they treat self-harm as nothing, they don't care if you're struggling they honestly just care about everyone being good and behaving so they'll look like a good school, but in words they don't care so there's no point telling them all they do is call home, and forget about it, same with suicidal thoughts and intentions, they couldn't care less.  They only worry about what they look like as a school, it's a s**t school, they only care about uniforms and behaviours they don't care about how you feel, they make everyone look the same.  Everyone has individuality compared to other people, they should be allowed to express that.  Some teachers are also really, really transphobic and homophobic.  Written by a young person in Suffolk


Non uniform days

Non uniform days are always portrayed as fun but are they really?
There are pros and cons for everything but for an autistic child there can often be more cons. Being
able to chose their own clothes can be great from a sensory processing point of view. School uniform
can be restrictive, hot, itchy where as many autistic children have a set of clothes which they are
comfortable in. Some children will wear these day and night. It can be a real struggle for parents to
get their hands on these clothes to wash them. Imagine how much better a child who struggles with
sensory issues could concentrate in school if the demand of wearing a uniform and the itchy, tight,
hot materials didn’t distract them!
But what about black and white thinking? Many of us have clothes we wear to work, clothes we
wear to the gym and clothes we wear at home. Would it not be weird to wear our work clothes in
the gym? Many autistic children see their uniform as school clothes and home clothes as home
clothes. When told it’s non uniform day you challenge their thinking in an uncomfortable way. No
wonder meltdowns and anxiety can occur. It’s also a change and changes can be hard, especially
with little notice.
Masking is real. Many autistic people mask. They try so hard to blend in because sadly we live in a
world where not everyone is inclusive. This can be very exhausting and hard to maintain. The
pressure to wear clothing that fits with others is real. It can end up a choice between sensory safe
clothing and not standing out.
Many people might think this point is exclusive to girls but I believe boys struggle with this too. The
fear of judgement. Are my clothes right? Is this fashionable? Do I have the right labels? I wonder
what percentage of children worry about this on non uniform day? I expect it’s very high. No one
wants to be a laughing stock.
Am I pro school uniform? Not when it makes children uncomfortable. But I’m also not pro non
uniform days because of the pressures it adds. Fancy dress days are equally as stressful. Maybe the
answer is that it’s marketed to students as an optional clothing day.
Claire Marie Smith.

"Aftermath" 

You don't reply. And so I
Sit here
Wondering.

Gnawing pain. Discomfort.
It's deep. Solid.
Inside my stomach.

Fight off the fear
Irrational, anxious.
Regulate. Breathe.
Let it go.

Sit.
Wait.
Be mindful.

Sit.
Wait.
Be mindful.

A flash. A tag.
Alive!
A car boot sale.

Life goes on.

But my heart breaks
Today

After yesterday.
(Anonymous PACT parent)

“WITH GREAT POWER, COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY” STAN LEE

There was a time when I’d look at the posters appearing around the school and village advertising the upcoming “Worlds Biggest Coffee Morning” and feel excited and happy. It was a longstanding tradition of our primary school that the year 6 students would organize the whole event, create posters, get their families baking amazing, show-stopping cakes and even wait on the tables of parents and grandparents and local parishioners, writing down their orders and ferrying hot drinks and cakes in their waiter/waitress outfits specially chosen for such a special occasion. Each new year 6 class tried to raise more money for Cancer Research than the previous class had. It really was one of the events of year 6, they had looked forward to it since joining Reception class and seeing the excitement of the older children and their pride in organizing such a lovely event.

My eldest child had been one of these who had been so excited to know that it would soon be their turn to pick up the mantle going into year 6, being the oldest in the school and having the responsibility which they were proud to shoulder. The much dreaded SATS were the following spring but they had an exciting calendar of fun events to look forward to which made it all seem achievable.

Unfortunately for my child, he’d begun to experience school-based anxiety at the start of year 6 and this had led to panic attacks and episodes of following me back out of school after drop-off to come and find me. It wasn’t something school said they were experienced in and had no knowledge of so, we were expected to get him there for registration at any cost. His school attendance was marked as unauthorized (as we had no CAMHS input at that time), even the local GP asked him why he was “behaving so badly and putting lots of stress on mum”. One day the attendance officer (followed by his meek assistant) descended on our home and lectured him on how he just needed to “do it, as he would feel really bad if his parents were prosecuted and ended up in court”. To this day I will never forgive him for putting that huge amount of further anxiety and stress on his 10 year old shoulders.

In the days leading up to the “Worlds Biggest Coffee Morning”, his attendance had been sporadic, he was able to go in sometimes, other times not (despite our best efforts – which now we understand were probably further damaging to his mental health but we did what we thought was right at that time). We did, however, manage to go into town and purchase a lovely, smart, navy suit and tie which was tried on and gave him so much confidence and self-esteem that this would be something he really could do well, something to enjoy alongside his peers and friends, something to make his teachers, and us, his parents, proud of him, sharing in his success and showing his younger siblings what they could aspire to achieve in year 6 too.

I’m sad to write (even now almost 10 years later) about what actually happened on that day back in September, the morning of the “Worlds Biggest Coffee Morning”.

Despite being so excited and looking forward to what the day would bring, his sleep was disturbed due to the worry about everything (we now know it as GAD Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and we didn’t make it into school until around 9.30am by which time everyone was busying around, setting out chairs and tables, boiling hot water urns and arranging cakes on plates, excited chatter between the year 6’s and their parents who had been roped in to help. We joined in with the activity and he went off to find his friends and get changed. A short time later I noticed he was following his new class teacher back through the hall towards me and some other parents at the cake table. She was a middle aged, rotund woman who always brought to mind Dolores Umbridge from the Harry Potter stories. She was what we would say, from the “old school” style of teaching. She obviously had no understanding of SEND or mental health issues let alone inclusive practice. I looked behind her to see my sons face was crestfallen and I immediately wondered what had happened so soon after the excitement of arriving.

In short, nothing had happened. She proceeded to tell me, not in a quiet or sensitive way so as not to let others overhear her, that due to my son’s “poor attendance” so far that term (it was probably around 85% at that point a few weeks into the new term) that it wasn’t fair on the other children who had successfully been in school that their reward should be shared with my child who “hadn’t made the same effort as they had”. My head was swimming, my mouth dried up. At that time I didn’t know the laws around equality or disability discrimination which I could have thrown back at her to insist he was included. I still feel the guilt of that lack of awareness to this day, which is probably why I am still triggered by the “Worlds Biggest Coffee Morning” posters whenever I see them start to appear. All I could do was mutter something along the lines of “well that’s a real shame as it’s something he’s looked forward to since he was 5” and escort my son and his bag of brand new waiter-like suit out of the hall and home again.

This was just one experience of many others we encountered by this small Church of England Voluntary Aided Primary school which, thanks to the senior leadership team showed in truly “outstanding” fashion the way to run a school which is the total opposite of inclusive, therapeutic, mentally healthy or trauma aware. I may write further of some of them as I have found the experience slightly cathartic and I wish to highlight the impact to young, vulnerable children who are placed in Loco Parentis by their parents and who are still being damaged by un-trained, unsupportive and uncaring people who have the power to inspire and uplift a child every bit as much as they can destroy them.

Please be the teacher who supports, understands and inspires.                                                          (PACT parent)

Dear Headteacher, 

Re: My child who has not been “Fine” in your school for a while now

I am writing today to ask you to think about several things which have impacted on the wellbeing of my child since he felt unable to cope in your school.  In the period since he has been too anxious to come to school, not once have we received a phone call, email or message to ask how he is doing. We have had correspondence asking for the “reason for absence” however this is not the same thing as asking about a child’s health. 

There was another child off ill during this period, we know this as the class sent a photo via Dojo with the message “come back to school soon, we are missing you”.  We have had no contact from the class teacher, except standard messages again to parents informing them of upcoming trips, class photo day, pictures taken of the year 6 leavers production, more photos of the residential trip showing the fun all of the other children were having. He wasn’t even invited to come and join in on sports day.

The sad thing is that I spoke to you about how nice it would be for him to feel part of the class, despite the probability that he wouldn’t make it in again during the last term.  I left that meeting feeling like you may have understood the isolation he was feeling and that he wasn’t wanting to be living his life at home with only family for company. This 10 year old child who had always been happy, engaging, sporty, sociable and bright. The boy who through the best part of 2 years of having unmet needs repeatedly not assessed or understood had eventually decided he could no longer face the anxiety day in day out with no help forthcoming. So eventually, as well as not being able to face school, he felt a failure and became withdrawn in other parts of his life in which he’d always found happiness and success, these too then stopped.

Just one kind word, a letter, an invitation to join in, just a helping, kind hand could have made a small difference. I’ll never know. I hope next time you may think about how one small act could create waves for change in a struggling child’s life.             {Define Fine parent}

*** Trigger warning - this blog mentions self-harm and injury so please only read if appropriate ***

I want to talk about self harm

Seeing your child suffer is something that no one can truly even begin to understand unless you have lived it. 
Seeing your child physically harm themselves to cope with the inner pain can be shocking and disturbing to some, who've never experienced living with a child who self harms. 
Initially it can start with scratching until they bleed, or continually picking at a scab until it scars. Biting their lips til they bleed, fingernails bitten down so low they look painfully sore. The escalation from this stage to the next can be so quick.
You think you've removed everything that can harm them, but they are far more clever than you. From sharp edged plastic, to purposefully breaking a cup or glass, sneaking away with a sliver.. sharp edged cardboard, tools from the clay you used to lovingly play with.. the list is endless.
The fear it instils rocks you to your very core, each night you lay awake wondering whether to check in with them again or leave them in peace as they've asked. You see them suffering and you want so badly to take away that pain, you want them to feel whole again. 
They appear with new cuts, deeper this time, inside you freeze with fear but externally you deal with the wounds pragmatically and with as little fuss as you can muster, you learn to treat them like any other wound. You lock away medications, razors and knives.. you constantly scan the area for things that may harm them. Each bang in the night, each walk across the hallway, you're filled with fear, not knowing what's coming next. 
You seek comfort from others who live the same nightmare and suddenly you don't feel quite so alone, you share tips and stories on what helps and what doesn't. But mostly it feels like the worst nightmare you have ever lived, surreal at times even, when you realise that you are THAT family... the one with the child that self harms. 
Anonymous PACT parent

 Review of 'The Special Parents Handbook' by Yvonne Newbold

I really recommend this book. Yvonne has much lived experience as a Sen parent and shares her honest experience with her top tips and strategies in each chapter. She gets it!
I have never come across a professional that could offer any help in supporting a child who has violent and controlling behaviour. They either parent blamed or discharged without support. I felt at a loss. Yvonne has shown me what’s behind the behaviour, how to cope with it, reduce it and support my child through it. She makes a very clear and true point that this is not your fault.
Yvonne's advice has had a big, positive impact on our family. If you don’t believe me then just ask the next door neighbour! 
Review by Claire
Link to book here

Mumma/Dadda knows best

This is a tough blog to write, mostly because this is the untold truth for some of us SEN parents, this is the part none of us want to admit nor face. We know people are judging our actions, we know that maybe we could have been sterner, harder, stricter, less of a walk over. But the sad fact is that when you are dealing with a child who is quite frankly inconsolable, angry, tearful or aggressive, it's so much harder than people could ever imagine.

I know I've enabled behaviour, I hate that I have, I know I could have dealt with things differently and more effectively but I cannot change the past. I can only focus on the future. 

Parenthood is full of potholes to be honest, someone can give you advice which works perfectly well for their own child but for yours would cause further damage and heartache. If you're anything like me, you spend your life walking on egg shells, wondering if you dealt with that particular situation in a positive way or a way in which will damage your child for all eternity! 

Many of us, including myself can distinctly remember times like that from our own childhoods and we are dead set on making sure our children don't face the same ghosts from their past when they enter adulthood. 

We're doing our best to bring them up to be well rounded, confident and self assured individuals. But are we enabling them too much? Do we now give more choices that they shouldn't have? Are we less effective at consequences and punishments because we ourselves felt we were punished and disciplined too much?

When your child says they have that 'tummy ache' and we ourselves then feel that knot in our own stomachs knowing the battles we are about to face to get them to school/ out the house/ socialise with family and friends its very difficult not to give in because sometimes we know we have to pick our battles very carefully, some are not worth it in our eyes. 

But where do you stop? Do you then not push them to engage at all? Do you allow them to spend all day isolated in their room because it's easier than the battle to get them up and out? 

I wish I hadn't enabled as much as I have, I wish I were a stronger person who wasn't driven by empathy and striven to ensure every day in my child's life is filled with happiness! That simply isn't realistic for adult life is it?.. they do need to build some resilience to the world, which is what I'm trying to achieve now.

It's not easy undoing the wrongs I have done though and it will take time for our daughter to adjust to the more firm attitude that I feel I need to take. It will take time for me to ensure she knows that we are doing it because we adore her and want her to have the best in life and that cannot even begin to happen whilst she is couped up in her bedroom allowing her anxiety to rule her life and capabilities. 

Tracy Goymer, PACT trustee

I know most of us in our wonder PACT family have their frustrations with school life, the education system as a whole and the delightful Mr Gove who seems to know nothing about modern age teaching, youngsters or life!

But to be honest, in this current situation I actually feel quite sympathetic to our teaching staff and Heads. 

I can't obviously speak for all schools, but our daughters High school have been absolutely fantastic. Having received a weekly phone call, regular updates and information and I thought it was high time the Head Teacher got some recognition for his work. 

I sent in an email saying the following

"I just wanted to let you know how truly grateful I am for your continued support and communication during this difficult time.

Although at times, as a parent I have felt overwhelmed by the amount of work appearing on SMHW, I have felt nothing but supported and reassured that you and your staff have our children's best interests at heart.

We have received a weekly phone call, which has been hugely beneficial for me to discuss my concerns, highs and lows of the week. Each time I have felt like I am failing Mrs H has promptly given me a good pep talk and helped me realise I am doing the best I can in a very tricky situation, as are all of you!

Each email Newsletter or update I receive from you is full of understanding and empathy, along with reassurance that the work set does not need completing.

Having had to continue to work full time from home since March, it has been increasingly difficult to ensure everyone has enough of my time, especially V, who would normally have extra support in her lessons, or would be in the Pod at some point during the day. However she has continued to read and write every day and we have submitted spin offs of some of the work set, which has all be welcomed by her teachers. She has also discovered a great love of baking and I have definitely put on weight due to home made sausage rolls and cakes!

You may remember our conversation in the Reception a few months back, you were trying to encourage a Y7 to go into class and I suggested she and V walk up to the pod together "Team Work, Makes the Dream Work" was my quote that morning and they happily went through the doors together. I do feel Stowupland's team working is helping the dream work."

On Friday, I received a call from the Head to personally thank me for my thoughtful email, which 'brought a tear to his eye' and as he said that, it actually brought a tear to my own.

This particular Head teacher only took over the role late last year!

He showed me that some teaching staff are just like us, they are human, they do have a heart, feelings and emotions. Most of them are just as frustrated with the educational system as we are, but they're not listened to either. 

Some of them really do put their heart and soul into their careers.. some as we know should never have entered into the profession!

So, credit where credit is due!

Tracy Goymer - PACT parent

Am I the only one that yo yo's from day to day, maybe even week to week about if they're doing the right thing? 

At the beginning of this covid crisis, I was all for keeping up with the work set by school for our daughter. If anything I was panicking about not meeting their targets. I was always studious at school myself and I felt like my daughter should embrace it just like I did. Everytime I saw another piece of work set I tried (unsuccessfully i may add!) to get her to complete it, I wasn't fussed about the standard, just that we'd ticked another box off the list.

About 3 weeks into lockdown I realised this wasn't working for either of us, I was working full time from home and the sheer volume of work from both my job and school was unachievable. So I morphed into the 'sod it' rebellious stage I like to call it. Our daughters mental health isn't great and that has to come first. Sod the work, I am not a teacher, I'm working and juggling too many balls and I'm not catching any! This stage lasted for many weeks, we did do some work but I refused to look at the homework app and began to feel better, ignorance is bliss right?.. well about a week ago I began to feel guilty, panicky and overwhelmed again as I switched on the app notifications and watched a flurry of notifications come through, I began fretting that I was failing her, what if every other student is completing this and I send her back blind to any of it? What if I have single handedly ruined her future by not being more disciplined with her? What if she blames me in future years for not being more assertive with her?.. i laid awake at night balancing out all the things I should be doing with the amount of physical time I have in a day to do it and wondering how others are managing it.

I decided to try again to do more work with her, changing the game up a little on some of the homework and making spin offs of what they'd sent. She completed an awesome PowerPoint on the film Carrie and we submitted it to her english teacher, she loved it! I began emailing her teachers to say that although she wasn't necessarily doing the work set, she was reading every day and was writing a book. We have received nothing but positivity regarding our honesty and work submitted.

So now I'm back to feeling a little calmer about it, I believe she is learning, not necessarily in the academic department, but she is learning about herself, what she enjoys and doesn't enjoy. She has sung her heart out and she has a beautiful voice. I still doubt she will ever have the confidence to sing in front of anyone but us, but she is still young and things change.

We have watched films like Bohemian Rhapdsody, which she loved and now loves Queen even more! She has learnt about bands and music, she has a love for all genres and has an impressive playlist of 60's 70's and 80's.

She is still in therapy and although this situation is far from ideal, it has given her time to deal with her anxieties and discover the root causes, so by the time she does return to school, she will be in a far healthier place mentally.

Whilst I fight my demons as a mum doing her best and yo-yo between what I think is best from one week to another, I have to believe that we are, on the whole doing the right thing in an unprecedented situation.

It has been a week by week rollercoaster of balancing my work priorities with my parenting priorities, dealing with the constant guilt that I'm failing someone and hoping that in years to come the decisions I made, with my best intentions at heart do not come back to bite me on the butt!

By Tracy Goymer (PACT parent) 

The Mysterious Disappearance of Helping hands Around the House

I’m guessing the short answer is “Yes”. And probably no amount of scented baths and keeping yourself hydrated is going to be the complete answer. We are living in unprecedented times. The human population has suffered pandemics before. Our parents or grandparents lived through the world wars, and a lot of warlike words are being used in connection with this current struggle for life. But this time it is not a communal experience like the one they went through then. We are not meeting our friends at the school gate and swapping yeast sachets for toilet rolls, or bringing a dish each to the community centre on Saturdays for a sing song. I have no confidence in being able to source the food our family needs next week. We understand that proximity increases our risks so we must stay at home, alone and yet not alone. Isolation brings financial worries, and for many women in particular, isolation from support networks whilst at the same time increased responsibilities for and contact with people needing our support. I usually work from home, but I have the house to myself. Now I’m squeezing my work life around family life. Even if I didn’t have to work, I am not needed all the time so I could be tempted into a hobby like knitting. It has to be something I can pick up and drop at a moment’s notice. I think in a way I simultaneously have too much isolation (from the outside world) and too little (at home). The internet is part of the solution (and thank you PACT for our Friday catch ups), but I must admit I’m finding coaching my 70 and 80 year old parents and in laws on Skype or Messenger is stressful and I have a little cry after the sessions. Thank you for free access to fabulous shows that theatres are releasing. Thank you to yoga teachers and choir leaders and conductors and crochet teachers for your sessions. I’m paying what I can, but we are all afraid of what money and food we might have next week.

As a family in the 1970s, we enjoyed fun evenings during power cuts. I see now it must have been quite stressful for my parents dealing with them and uncollected rubbish. But I didn’t know any of that, and looked forward to those family evenings. In the famous and everlasting words, “This too shall pass”. I’m going to try to pass on memories that will make my children smile without crucifying myself, and that is the very limit of my ambition.

Anonymous PACT parent

Do you have a child who is struggling to attend school?

Please contact us via any of the following:
www.facebook.com/parentsandcarerstogether or parentsandcarerstogether@gmail.com

Suffolk County Council advise you can also contact Suffolk Family Focus School Attendance Service at:
schoolattendance@suffolk.gov.uk where they work in partnership with parents and schools to achieve the best outcomes for the child.

What is Youth Mental Health Aware?

Youth Mental Health Awareness is an introductory course designed to raise awareness of young people’s mental health and the issues that can affect this age group. The training can be attended by anyone from 16 upwards and is relevant for people who teach, work, live with and care for 8 to 18 year olds, including young people themselves.

Youth Awareness training is not intended to replace the two day Youth MHFA training course but is a good introduction to those interested in young people’s mental health.

Each and every Youth MHFA awareness course is delivered by a quality assured instructor, who has attended the seven day instructor training programme accredited by the Royal Society for Public Health to deliver our two day Youth MHFA course.

What will I learn on a Youth MHFA Awareness course?

Our Youth MHFA instructors deliver training that enables you to:
• Gain a wider understanding of some issues surrounding young people’s mental health
• Interact more effectively with young people who are experiencing mental health issues
• Get an insight into the full two day Youth MHFA course and the benefits of becoming a Youth Mental Health First Aider

Throughout the course our instructors providing a safe learning environment where participants are supported throughout the whole course. At the end of the day, everyone will receive a copy of the Youth Mental Health Awareness manual which is an excellent reference and support resource.

How will attending a Youth MHFA Awareness course help?

The course will:
• Explore the issues around young people’s mental health and how to relate to them
• Help you to support young people who may be experiencing mental health issues

Research and evaluation also shows that taking part in an MHFA course:
• Raises awareness and mental health literacy
• Reduces stigma around mental ill health
• Boosts knowledge and confidence in dealing with mental health issues
• Promotes early intervention which enables recovery

For more information about Youth  MHFA training and consultancy please visit https://mhfaengland.org or to book onto a course contact: Bec Jasper 07801 330827

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Contact Supportline: 07856 038799